Many had attempted it. Many had failed. It was a fool’s dream. Chari wasn’t a fool however. This is the unsettling story of the Cloudian who attempted to steal Saturn’s rings–and almost got away with it! Listen up, because I don’t have all day.
Chari Uruma-raki was a fairly arrogant Surface Cloudian from the planet Saturn. He hated the planet and hated the people. He lived in the atrocious city of Steam Central, a place that attracted the worst kind of species. He had seen a rather sleek vessel arrive the other day, only to have savage Ape-Balls pile out and fill up his favorite bar, The Misty Tavern.
The only thing Chari lacked that prevented him from getting off this wretched planet was currency, the one thing he loved more than anything in the world. He had no means of currency. He lived in a hole in the ground–literally! The poorest foke–and criminals, like Chari–in Steam Central dug holes in the rocky surface to live in. It was shameful, especially to Chari, but as long as he had his eyes set on the prize, he could survive it for now.
The “prize” was a set of Cryozite-encrusted rings, mined straight from the ice rocks in Saturn’s rings by the wretched Ring Cloudians and fittingly called ‘Saturn’s rings’. They were indisputably the most valuable item on the planet, and Chari was going to steal them. Easier said than done. However, Chari knew a friend who could get him into ‘The Vault’, the most secure building in Steam Central. Its weak point was an upscale casino, connected to the building. Another thing Chari hated about this city–the Cloudians’ obsession with gambling their life’s savings away. Chari never participated in that. He was a criminal, he valued currency too much.
Anyways, this casino was called ‘Bahama’, apparently an Earth thing, and it attracted wealthy Cloudians, and even some royalty. It was mostly off worlders looking to have the times of their lives. They usually didn’t leave the planet after betting away their custom Shri starhoppers. Bahama single handedly caused the town of Steam Central to be a filthy hive of gangsters. Chari considered himself higher than the common gangsters that he saw constantly. He was a Bersanti Cloudian after all! He had at least an ounce of dignity. He just had an abnormal appreciation for currency.
Chari floated up through a small hole in the ground and emerged into the dark streets of Steam Central. It was always dark here. The pollution emitted from many factories in these cities mixed with the chemicals in the atmosphere caused a dark effect on the city. This Chari hated most of all. He would stumble about in the darkness of his home, which lacked any kind of light, looking only for his most valuable possession, his Omnicell, a futuristic device he acquired from bargaining away his old house. It doubled as a telephone, swiss army knife, a miniature 3d printer, a sand anatizer, and many more. He clutched his Omnicell tightly, as he navigated the maze of streets.
Finally, he reached Bahama Street, the street that had luxurious casinos on one side, and hotels and resorts on the other. This was the street that attracted tourists from everywhere in the universe.
His Omnicell started buzzing from his sweaty palms. It was then that Chari realized he was about to attempt something no one had ever succeeded in doing. It was daunting. Yet he had help–and not the kind of help that would abandon you at first sight of failure, no, this was a friend that had helped him time and time again.
Chari looked down at his Omnicell. His friend was calling him. He pressed the green answer button.
“Everything set,” Chari said, wiping sweat off his foggy forehead.
“Good. Transmitting entry card.”
A whirring sound followed and Chari’s Omnicell screen showed a simulation of a picture being transmitted from one device to another, and then that device printing it out. His Omnicell did just that. Ten seconds later he held an almost perfectly legit Bahama entry card.
“Now fix up yourself. You look like you just crawled out of a cloudhole.” Chari silently chuckled about the irony behind that. He obviously hadn’t told his friend that he lived in the ground–some things were best kept secret.
“Not in the mood for insults.” But he did spray himself with some very valuable chemicals that mixed with his gaseous substance to make him smell better. Then, he confidently strode towards the building.
Reaching the entrance, a Yurito Cloudian by the looks of it holding a giant gun, gruffly held out his hand. “Your entry card?”
“Ah…right.” Chari held up the card. The Yurito Cloudian set down his gun and inserted the card into a scanner and looked it over.
“Hm. Fake.” The guard picked up his gun and shot Chari.
According to the Guinness Book of Saturn Records, this was the closest anyone got to stealing the Saturn’s rings, beating out Grungee McKell by two centimeters.